Those of you who follow me on Instagram/Facebook etc will already know this, but please indulge me anyway. Two years ago today I wrote this:
And guess what, I was right. Nothing ever has been the same again.
You find ways of getting on with life. You find ways of getting through. But at the end of the day, there's just always something missing. Something intangibly different.
I'm really not generally a 'woe-is-me' type person. Shit happens and you just have to get on with it. I just really really miss my mum.
It feels a bit more acute these past few weeks because, well...all right. Some of you know there is, kind of, possibly, maybe a new boy on the scene. And it's very, very weird to me that I will never tell my mum I'm seeing someone. Not, you understand, because she'd be happy for me- she wouldn't. My mum was a great one for making her mind up about people and sticking to it come hell or high water. And certainly if I picked someone my judgement was bound to be flawed. She'd definitely think there was something wrong with him and would tell me not to bother. And it kind of bothers me now that no one is doing that. Everyone is insanely happy for me that I'm seeing someone who makes me smile. I need someone to tell me he's got fatal flaws and is probably going to break my heart.
This week, with no one to tell me that, I decided to try and prove it to myself. This is despite the fact that I have spent AGES trying not to 'let out the crazy' in front of him (a la Elliot Read in 'Scrubs'). I worked myself up into a state of panic and then texted him at midnight asking 'where are we going? What do you see this as?' (Yes really. Are you cringing for me? I am). Then I spent the night lying awake convincing myself I had ruined it all. I was frankly astonished to get a text from him the next morning pointing out that my text was quite full on (true) and that he didn't want to rush into anything (me neither) but he does really enjoy being with me. No, I don't know why either.
Which is certainly the most stressful and roundabout way of achieving anything that there has ever been. I am truly my mother's daughter. Here's to you, Mum. You'd be proud.
(For those who want to know more about the boy, don't worry, I fully intend to blog the whole crazy story so far, when I can figure out how to make it NOT sound entirely crazy...)