Tuesday 20 December 2011

Well what do you know.

Managed to do something I've been meaning to do for ages and write the story of the divorce. Amazingly didn't make myself cry but it was harder to make it flow than I expected. And then I sent it to the lovely girls at http://www.anyotherwoman.com and they liked it. Er, who'd have thought it?

Thursday 15 December 2011

DND

...which stands for Decree Nisi Day.

Today.

Next stage of the divorce. First stage of the rest of my life.

It's funny how quickly not being Mrs C anymore feels natural and actually good. Not bad. Positive. Free.

Saturday 10 December 2011

Waking the dead.

Back home with my dad for the weekend and went to mum's grave this afternoon and had a little chat with her. Told her about my week, my new job, about M. I liked it that her grave was absolutely covered in flowers -not just ours :-)

I just so wish everything was different, even now.

Friday 9 December 2011

Enough now.

Terrible day.

Spoke to M earlier for the first time in nearly 6 months, about what he wanted to do with the stuff that's still here (ie. in my house, which I will be selling soon in view new job). We were both coldly and icily polite to one another. It was horrible.

And I MISS MY MUM.

Thursday 8 December 2011

When a (wo)man is tired of London, (s)he is tired of life

Squeeeee. I'm doing it, I'm really doing it. I'm moving to London. New job starts in February!

I didn't think the interview went too well but to my utter amazement today I had a phonecall to offer me the job!!!!

Am very pleased, but when I put the phone down the first person I wanted to tell was Mum, and I hate it that I can't just pick up the phone and ring her any more. Dad told me she'd have been proud -I hope so.

Monday 5 December 2011

Bah humbug.

I cried torrentially when I was driving yesterday because that stupid song 'All I want for Christmas is you' came on the radio and all I could think was 'all I want for Christmas is for my mum to be here with us'.

Saturday 3 December 2011

After the funeral.

I survived. The day was cold but very sunny, the sort of day she liked. As we expected, the church was PACKED -the priests came out to greet us and said 'it's standing room only in there!' I managed the whole reading, did wobble a bit especially the last line 'love one another as I have loved you', but the worst bit was seeing the coffin going into the grave. In fact crying now just remembering it.

Several of my friends made a huge effort to be there (including one friend who came all the way from the Isle of Man!) which was lovely.

Definitely now starting to realise she's really gone and isn't coming back.

Friday 2 December 2011

F-day

T -4 hours to funeral.

I can't decide if I want it to be over or not. I kind of do, kind of don't. I feel like once it's over, this horrible feeling I have of 'being in limbo' might disappear, as if I might be able to go back to my normal life -back to living in my own house, back to work, seeing friends. But the truth is, I know that's not possible. My life will never be the same again because my mum will no longer be the person I speak to every day, the person I ask for advice, the person who knows me best in the whole world.

Once the funeral's over, I'll have said goodbye 'for good', and it will really be the end of my fantastic mum -except for in my head and heart.