What I'm thinking about though, is what happens when you are in a relationship with someone who maybe doesn't see life the way you do. Who has a different view of their future. And who makes what compromises?
The wonderful, gorgeous, smart, kind, sexy, funny man who I'm proud to call my boyfriend (did I mention that he's gorgeous?) and I had a semi-argument recently. It wasn't the kind of argument that makes you question if you want to be with them. But it makes you wonder if you're a good person for staying with them.
I've written before about the fact that I don't think I want kids. That hasn't changed. Indeed as time goes on I want them less and less. I don't need to justify why, but I do think it's interesting that all my friends who are now parents have only ever commented on my photos and posts of late-nights-drinking-cocktails and frequent-holidays-abroad with envy. Anyway, the boy has hinted that he thinks he does want kids. We've briefly discussed our reasons. He understands mine, I don't understand his at all ('to carry on your family line?! What makes you think your family line's so special...')
I have however told him that IF (big if) I were to consider having kids, I'd want to be married. He seemed to understand my feelings on this. But it doesn't change the fact that he doesn't want to get married again. Sure, we have both been-there-done-that and it didn't work out, and I totally get the fear of not being lucky a second time around either (I'm afraid I subscribe to the theory that a successful marriage depends partly on the willingness of both parties to work on it, and partly to a good healthy old fashioned dose of luck. If you're one of the lucky ones, good for you. I hope you'll always be wary in case your luck changes). And I don't want it for myself much. But bringing new life into the world without the commitment of marriage? Not for my (hypothetical) children, thanks.
I want to be a good person. I've told him I understand if he wants to go and find someone to be the mother of his children, if I can't be it. He says no because he loves me too much. Does it make me selfish that I want this more than I want to give him what he really wants? I'm sorry if it does. But I can't do it. Not right now.
So there we have it. Stalemate, or an insurmountable compromise. Right now, the one thing we both agree on is that we want to be with each other more than we want any hypothetical children or marriage, and I think that's a good starting point right?? Where we go from here only time will tell.
Corey gave me the family line reason for him wanting children at some point, which is a reason I don't entirely understand myself. It sounded a bit like he thought we were living in the 18th century.
ReplyDeleteI also understand the not wanting to have children outside of marriage. I know that just because you're married doesn't mean you have a strong relationship, but I also can't shake certain traditional leanings. That's not to say I tut when people who aren't married have children, it's just never something I saw myself doing.
Re marriage - yup, I am wary in case our luck changes. I agree that the willingness of both sometimes just isn't enough.
You aren't selfish. On the contrary I believe, possibly controversially, that it would be more selfish to have children when you're not keen on having any, just to make someone else happy.
The honesty you have with each other is definitely a good place to start. It sounds like, scary though it was, that it was a good conversation to have, even if you didn't come to any firm conclusions.
I know, isn't the family line argument weird?! It's hardly as if the species is in danger of dying out... And absolutely, each to their own regarding marriage and children, but I do still believe that marriage adds an extra level of commitment to a relationship. Like I say, I actually can live without that level of commitment for myself, but I wouldn't want it for children. Doesn't seem like I'm giving them the very best in life that they could have.
DeleteA spent the weekend with one of his good mates who has a 3yr old and another on the way. Got back and told me 'wow kids really do take over your life' think he perhaps hadn't appreciated this before! Am hopeful that this means I may not have to face being the mother of his child(ren) after all!!!
I fully agree with Crysta about the selfish part (and most things in life if I'm honest!). We're the opposite. I'm not sure but maybe. Ts no no no. I've made the (what I hope to be grown up) decision that I would rather be with him and not have children than not be with him. I'm fully aware I may change my mind but right now. All we can do is live in the now. As you say to me whenever I get in a tizz, anything can happen. Live for the now. Be happy now. When the happy stops that's when things need to change. No one can predict the future. If I were to leave t because I may want children one day (and right now I have to add I really don't.) then I may meet someone wonderful. Have an amazing relationship. Be very very happy and have a football team of children. Or I may never meet anyone I click with really, not be able to have children, or I may meet someone who ticks all the boxes but doesn't want children. None of those three options for me is a better thought than being with T. And whilst that's the case my marriage is my priority. Ts asked me the same q you asked the boy. I don't want to leave him in case I want children. I trust t to tell me the truth about what he wants. He trusts me. Trust that the boy would be honest with you. I've rambled on about me as usual but my main point is that you're both adults with experience. You're choosing to be together and that's what matters right now. Love you!
ReplyDeleteyou are SO SO RIGHT about living in the now. that is indeed all we can do -as scary as it is to feel like there's a big chunk of life we can't control. You and T absolutely have the priorities worked out. Love you more!
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